“I am not afraid. I was born to do this.” – Joan of Arc

Well, maybe she was, but I certainly am not. Every morning, I say almost the opposite to myself when I crack open my eyes – “I am so afraid, I wasn’t made for all this.”

Yet, I need to know where Joan mustered up the moxie to get through her day to day chores and not hate herself at a rate of 90 miles per hour. She obviously had no confidence issues. She never doubted her station in life? Joan, help me here, because I’m in constant doubt. 

I doubt my ability to be a good friend. I’m sending out a blanket “I’m sorry” to all my friends I’ve let down over the years. I know you are out there. Please forgive my inconsiderations and self-centered ways. Honestly, I am so caught up in my own head that I miss the here and now. So, dear friends and acquaintances, from here on out I will focus my ability to be a solid friend. I’ll even take notes on who to call or who I need to return a favor to – I hope I haven’t burned too many bridges at this point.

I doubt my ability to get any project complete. I say yes to a lot (I don’t want to let anyone down), and immediately go into my headspace and inform my initially confident self that I will soon be destroying the project I just agreed to help complete. Boy, do I have issues. However, I am so afraid to let anyone down. So do I complete my projects? You bet your sweet ass I do. If I didn’t, I couldn’t imagine how guilty I might feel. Well, here is some full disclosure. I have one slight exception…I haven’t made a photo album since 2009. Oh doubt, you are so right, I don’t finish my projects. 

So by now you must realize I doubt my performance as a mother. Always wanted to be one, didn’t realize it’s 24-hour-ness. What a life altering responsibility, am I right? Especially when I doubt. Oh Joan, how I wish I could channel your strength every morning, afternoon, and evening. I’m worn down to a nub. I feel as if I feed them wrong, love them wrong, say the wrong words, forget to hug them enough, or tell them I love them enough. When does the doubting end? Never for me. It’s my cross to bear. I wouldn’t be the person I am without doubt. Or would I? Would I be better, funnier (is that even possible), and would I have the confidence that I see in so many other people?

Here’s one thing I do have, along with doubt. I have faith. I can look at the four lovable (usually) faces of my children and have faith that my doubt will not creep into their days. I have faith that I have friends I can call or text and reconnect with, in spite of my poor performance as a friend. Faith helps me overcome this doubt. I don’t know what was going through Joan of Arc’s mind when she was quoted as being born to do this, but I can guarantee she was full of faith. 

So I may feel this doubt, all the time, in fact. Fortunately I can constantly rely on faith – faith that I have accomplished a great deal with my doubt riding shotgun in my life. So when I wake up in the morning, I will thank doubt for helping faith come into my life. I will also thank Joan, for showing me there are women who, in the face of doubt, know what they are born to do. I was born to be a good friend and mother (I can name many other jobs, but now I’m at a loss for time), and I was born to doubt. 

Yet, I don’t doubt I’ll always have faith, and was born to have them both live inside of me and make me exactly who I am.